free time

Monday night I went to my mens group meeting (we meet twice a month)
I talked about my sadness of not having free time. During that I realized that also I feel shame for wanting free time. I have the cute baby that looks a lot like me, wants to play, wants to be held... and I want to spend 1 hour a day on the pc. Hell 1 hour a week would be great. The feedback I received was it's okay to want free time, it's normal to be even resentful of a baby that changes your life. The important thing it to express my emotions, not hide them. And bargain for free time so that my wife and I both get free time to spend by ourselves and together.

More later, V

My wife never seemed to want to take any time for herself. So I had difficulty trying to take any. I am at this exact moment taking an hour tonight to do anything I want. I am choosing to get started on the web work that I talked about and add alittle to this post I released half baked this morning.
ttfn, V

shadow exam part 2

Hmmm, let's take a closer look...

I am posting along for almost two months... I discover I have a few readers and... Bam I stop posting?!?

I start to get the thing I want and I turn away. Welcome Shadow. Welcome Shadow that keeps me from getting what I want. By not getting what I want I can remain disappointed and believe that there is no hope or reason to try. I can stay the same and not change.

Again, welcome shadow.

shadow exam part 1

Yes I have been busy but is there a work at work here?

I truly did not have any time for two of the past 4 weeks. But the rest of the time I honestly could have found 5-10 minutes to say "hi, I feel sad today." So what's going on?

I have definitely have some big things to do and I tend to feel overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.

Here's my todo list:

1. Write blog(s)
   
2. I have two memory cards full of photos that need to be put on the pc
3. I have 3 months worth of photos that I need to pare down and post to my son's website
4. All photos on the pc that need to be backed up
5. I committed to relocate and update a website for a non-profit group that a friend is apart of
6. I want to take and submit photos for the Photo Friday photo contest site (so far I have only submitted one)
7. I want to go to the gym more than once every two weeks
8. I want to read about J2EE brush up on Java and develop a product that the world needs and change my life
   

Number 8 is getting most of my mental free time.

I tried to avoid using the word need in the above list. I don't NEED to do anything but I WANT to do everything.

I (tongue in cheek) need a plan.

1. finish this blog
2. get a new trial version of ftp program
3. move website, make minor updates
4. copy flash cards to pc, sort photos, backup photos, upload photos
   

If I got 1, 2, and 3 done I would feel a lot of pressure off myself and I could probably make a dent in number 4.


You know what...
If I title this thing, click the spell checker and post this thing -- number 1 is done.

enslaved

Last week was the first week in a while that I worked a normal amount of hours. The three weeks prior I work just over 50 hours each week. I go to bed early and get up at 5:30 to watch my son. I have had less personal time than I spend driving to and from work each day. I haven't even been able to keep up with other blogs.


I feel enslaved.

No, I feed sad. I think/judge/believe that I am enslaved in my life.

I never realized the freedom I had; the leisure time I had. What did I do with it? How badly do I want it back? What would I do to get it back?