love, Love or LOVE

I just watched Win a date with Tad Hamilton. Mostly a MEGA cheese movie minus Hillary Duff some how. The movie climaxes in an unforgivable scene in mimics a Tad Hamilton scene that the main characters watched at the begining of the movie. Boooh.

However the bartender in the movie spouted out heavy duty love philosophy that made me wish I had seen the movie as a teen.

Her words of wisdom:

There are three loves.
One that you get over in two month (which she called love)
One that you get over in two years (great Love)
And one that you never get over (The LOVE)

She later said that when The Love is rejected, the rejected person finds someone to love... second best.

Your first question might be why was I watching such a movie. It's saturday evening and I am a fan of Topher Grace. It's not like I highlighted it in TV Guide.

It really left me questioning my choices in life. Did I turn away from The Love to find a second best and then a third best and then a fourth best? Or were they just great loves?

I wish I had seen this movie a long time ago. Or at least met the bartender a long time ago.

I'll have to think about this a little more.

Information Society once demanded, "Tell me what's on your mind."

I am thinking about black and white photographys.

I am thinking of a Woman named Katt that had short jet black hair and often wore sleeveless black t-shirts with lime green bras. Her breasts were the perfect size. I loved seeing the straps to fall from shoulders. Looking into her eyes as she talked and fixed her bra strap without acknowledgement... made my mouth water.

I am thinking about changing my hair color. And changing my last name to Pepper.

I thinking of the wonderful "new" feelings I got from a friend. I assumed I would never have the opportunity for "new" chemicals released in my brain ever again. It was relished.

Now tell me what's on your mind.

What a terrible day

Again I did not feel well, yet had the extreme desire to do something, anything. Anything other than what I was doing... Trying to find something to watch on television. I of course, would have loved to spend the day on the internet but felt like that behavior would have led to an argument. So I tried to be available and helpful and spent a entire day bored and depressed.

I won't bore you with the boring details, here are the dull-lights...

1. Argued (or maybe discussed) with my wife about religion. I am buddhist/atheist and she wants to cling to her christian roots more so now that we have a child. My dooms day shadow can see it now. "Dad, why don't you go to church? Dad, are you going to go to hell?"

I haven't seen a religion that says that practicing other religions is alright. Nor have a found one to say that practicing no religion is alright. For their own self interest they all pretty much say that they are right and everyone else is wrong. There is no recommendation for people to go out and explore other beliefs.

She wants for our son to be raised with a belief system.

WTF. I must not have taken an outspoken enough stand before we got married. Judging from her reaction, I think she wished she could walk away. It's a bit too late for that.

Maybe I should have went to Colorado and met that crunch buddhist women my former roommate met at that retreat.

So what I am going to do about it?
I am going to stick to my beliefs and develop a spiritual practice that I can pass on to my son.


2.I watched Chip Foose on two different auto shows today. Not that I think I could ever be Chip Foose but I really want to be in the car world. I am mechanically inclined however I lack a big dose of self confidence required to get the ball rolling. What ball? I would like to buy and restore cars.

Of course every plan has steps.

1. Rebuild lightly wrecked cars
2. Restore a rust bucket
3. build a kit car

4. And then maybe, just maybe, build a custom car. Like Eleanor or the Mach 5


Being in the computer world I know that just being in the computer world means you hear more and learn more than any outsider can learn in their spare time. To really be the tech world you just have to be here. The car world is the same.

So what am I going to do about it?
I just looked up an adult education class in the area. I can take a tune-up class in April. Maybe that would give me nuts to get started.

today is the greatest, day I've ever had

I had a very emotional (sad) day today.
I learned from my wife, who was talking to my mother about our son, that my first word was daddy. How very fitting that the first thing I would say be the only thing I miss from my life. I admitted to my wife that when I look at my son I often feel joy, or jealously but mostly sadness that he is getting to do the thing that I did not get to do... stare at his father.

I talked about this issue with my wife who pointed out that it seems to come up every few months and that I need to do something about it. We had planned to go to my mom's house sunday but I do not feel well (reason for my lack of posting late this week.) I will try to change to way I was raised and do something about this.

The plan at this point is to:
bring this topic up at my next men's group meeting
possibly schedule an appointment with my former psych
talk to me mom about this
hire a private investigator to find facts about my real father

In the very least I do need his medical history, even if we never meet.

Oh yes a test

This is a trackback test.

I have wanted to test trackback for some time now. Thanks for the offer Mrs. Dotzz.

some hope to balance the hate

I will attempt to balance these tells of woe with two very profoundly positive experiences.

I met a black man named Kevin on a job I had just out of high school. Being a temp worker in a big warehouse is lonely work. Everyone has their assignment and the place being so big, you might never see another person accept during break times. Anyway. Kevin was very nice to me. He treated me no different than anyone else. He taught me to drive a fork lift and because of that I was eventually offered a full time union job - Go Teamsters! This treatment was very hard to understand. It showed me that maybe not all black people were the same.

After some more negative reinforcement from another three black men I met at work (different job) I had reset my expectations of black men. I went to a doctor's office with my hypocondriac girlfriend (more on her later maybe.) We were the only people in the office, I brought a very thick Michael Jordan Wheel of Time series book to read (I was very used to being in waiting rooms waiting for her.) When a black woman and her daughter came into the room. I immediately looked at the arrangement of chairs and thought, "they are going to sit as far away from me as possible. Reverse discrimination is alive and well." The mom went to sign in and her daughter walked into the square arrangement of chairs and sat... Right next to me??? What the hell? I tried to explain it... These are the closest seats to the door, but they weren't. These seat are close to the magazines, but the magazines were across the room. She sat next to me to make her mom mad, but her mom didn't seem to even notice, sat down and started reading a book she had brought. Maybe she saw the book I was reading and was going to strike up a conversation about it, but that didn't happen either. Maybe she likes white guys, but she appeared to be 7-10 years younger than me. Maybe... Maybe... Maybe...
I was stunned. I felt queasy. It changed my thinking.

more about hate

I took a history class as an elective for my undergrad, History of U.S. in the 60's. When I think of the 60's it's all cloudy from the dope and incense smoke of the hippies. I don't think about spraying equal rights protesters with fire hoses. Or Jim Crow Laws. Or lynch mobs and hangings.

I dropped the class after three weeks. Every night I would try to read the material, but I couldn't stop crying. I thought over and over, "It's not my fault, I didn't do that to you." I rationalized that I had been tortured in middle school because of how they had been treated. IMO black people are reacting to their treatment, the treatment their parents recieved and the treatment their grandparents experienced. Lashing out at me was... understandable.

But I had never had any negative idea or experience concerning black people before the treatment I experienced. I was taught the suffering of their people through my suffering delivered by their rageful hand. I was taught to hate by their hateful actions toward me.

I did not do anything to you to deserve such treatment.

I see a cyclical behavior that causes itself. Will it end with me? Will it end with you?

middle school hell part 2

The smell is/was always present in that area (rubber town, Algonquin Parkway near the xway) The smell permeates through every hall, every class. When you go home it rides in your clothes and stays with them until they're washed. The smell is everywhere.

I hid from everyone. If one person sees you and points you out the rest of the hungry dogs are on you. The best way to not be a victim is to be an aggressor. So the sea of color you mention, they are all against you. Black, white all either trying not to be seen themselves or trying to take the focus off of themselves. Being an aggressor takes the focus off of you. I eventually learned this myself and teased and fought and hurt the innocent.

What did I hid from...

• Being beat up. Or just hit, kicked or knocked down. One of the favorite afternoon events of sport was to jump from the landing of the stairs onto the backs of the tightly packed crowd as they fell trying to leave for the day. Human dominoes.
  

• Having money "borrowed" from me. I eventually stopped bringing money. The good news, I accumulated enough money to buy my first eight cassette tapes. Horaay VH 1984.
  

• Having my books/folders/shoes/locker lock stolen. I lost two locks in one year. Yes the first was my fault, you should never leave an unlocked lock hanging on your locker. But the second was taken from my hand before I could relock it. Taken from my hand after I was knocked to the ground a kicked. And you might think that generic shoes are certainly safe... But even Keds are very desirable to such people. Yep two year old Keds.
  
• Being threatened into fighting for the enjoyment of larger aggressors. Always a fun day.
  

And everyday knowing that you had to return the next day.

Your choice of clothes is very important when you want to hide from everyone. I perfected the ensemble: Members Only jacket (actually it was the competing brand whose name escapes me), light blue t-shirt with pint "I want my MTV" logo, two year old shoes and old faded blue jeans. I supposed it helped that we were really poor at the time. I had four shirts that I had deemed go for school, i.e. good for hiding, and another two or three that I really did not like but wore one day a week. This is not lie, I wore exactly the same thing for picture day two years in a row.

What did I learn from this, I believe the question was:
"do you have compassion for the minorities you see within the white sea?"
No.

I learned to hate. I concept I knew nothing about before. Hate.

Today when I unexpectedly come across (as in turn a corner in a store) a black male I immediately have one of two reactions...
1. Victim. I know you are going to hurt me, just get it over with.
Or
2. Severe angry. I want to kill you for everything you did to me.

middle school hell

I have put off blogging about my forced busing days of middle school. But the harder I try to remember enough to make a decent post I am can't really recall what is was like. It's like my mind labels the whole thing as BAD and I can't recall many consecutive events. How well does anyone recall their middle school days? Maybe this is normal and I want to process my memories. Try to thank them. Try to forgive them. And finally let them go.

Let's take some broad strokes...
I remember the smell of the near by industrial plant, it smelled like burning rubber. Recalling the smell makes me want to vomit right now.

I feel the peak of my nausea when entering the building. My nausea started when I woke up, for another day in prison. I never wanted to wake up in the mornings. I tried to miss the bus every morning. Every morning was a battle for my mom to wake me up and get me ready in time to catch the bus. I still have trouble waking up on time.

I recall he small stiff mechanical feeling in my body as I walked the halls trying to not draw any attention to myself. Being noticed by anyone did not usually end well. I became somewhat adept at making myself invisible. I can hide in a crowd of three.


I was quite sad when I typed that. I have touched a little piece of those dark memories. I'll continue next time.

my son is sick

I miss my friends and the life I knew. I miss my wife and she misses me. We never knew that having a baby would change our lives this much. I know it's not his fault, he has GERD. I know it's not my fault or my wife's fault. But having a baby that is sick and doesn't sleep is hard.

He sleeps about 4-6 hours a day. He rarely naps after getting up for the day. The dr. says my wife is keeping him from sleeping during the day. I.E. she is holding him too much and spoiling him. I don't want to tell her what to do from work during the day. I don't want to tell her what to do when I get home at night. But he does take naps for me on the weekends. I make suggestions every morning, "Sit him down, turn on Baby Einstein and take a nap on the couch. You might get 30 minutes and you might get an hour."

My wife doesn't sleep very much. I sleep much less than I would desire. But I get to get away each day and go to work. She is here 24X7 and is looking ahead wishing he would grow out of this. But he may not for a year; maybe not ever.

Life is hard. It least before no one really depended on me.

thanks for the feedback

I went to check empornium but I can't remember my logon.

In the mean time let me share another blog I read, er view, artnudes.blogspot.com.
Perhaps this will balance that.

Me sub, Me dom

In my two most recent posts I began to uncover my submissive side and my dominant side. My last post sent me in search of something violent to read. Check out the newest blog on my blogroll (I am especially impressed with the extensive comments.)

Enjoy.

Trading Spouses Bitch

I watched Trading Spouses tonight and that woman from New York made me mad. She was, no, is (she certainly hasn't changed) a self centered bitch. She is loud and demanding; she acts like a child. Her family did not miss her a bit. The best part of the experience for her family was being rid of her for a week. I am tempted to say that the nice mom's family got the worst end of the deal being exposed to such a negative role model. In the end she left their home and they'll never have to see her again. Her family are destined to deal with her in person, memory or therapy for the rest of their lives.

I wondered why the reveal was taking place about 30 minutes into the second week of the episode. It seems the shows producers wanted to spend plenty of time on the bitch mom's reunion. It was really more of a return to the throne in her mind. In the last five minutes or so she demanded that they all go out to eat immediately. She yelled and whined and all but stamped her feet. She has no concept of bargaining or give and take. It's she way all the time, no wonder let don't want to be around her.

I would like to think that she could change if only she could see herself and her behavior as wrong. But how often does a person realize that they are wrong? Everything they do, think and say is wrong. Can a person like that change?

I don't think that bitch could change and if I had to spend a week with her acting like she does with family... I would hurt her.

What would you do to her?

Reflection on: vow to abstain post

I spent some time today thinking about my shadow's part in my last post. Given the theme of my blog I'm making it a practice to look closely at each post and try to reveal my shadow. Only by identifying my shadow can I begin to learn from it.

What was my shadow in my last post?

• show off (I'm on stage. Look at me! You are reading this and paying attention to me.)
• surprise or in your face (Hopefully a shock that will make you want to see what I will do or say next.)

Those are perhaps the shadow(s) behind the post, but what's the shadow behind the content...

What do I get out of an exemplary performance of (A big thanks in advance to Kid Rock) Yo-da-lin in the Valley? Pleasure certainly but what, if any, is the shadow.

Do I secretly desire to be submissive? To worship even? To give and give and give expecting nothing in return but a pat on the head or a slap in the face. Would I really be satisfied by either?

Maybe it's the wine I've drank but...
going downtown, scoring three home runs in a row and getting slapped in the face sounds hot right now.

Update on vow to abstain from self pleasure

I know you were wondering (the 17 people that tuned in just after my original post on the matter.) So I thought I would take the time to update you on how it's going...

Dreams containing explicit situations has increased
Frequency of erections is... on the rise
Less time spent on the computer
More time spent catching up on sleep

As I write this post my mind drifts to my favorite sexual act. Cunnilingus. I love to pack a munch I mean lunch and spent the day in patient pursuit in reaching as many satisfying endings as possible. My head swims with the intoxicating thoughts of fulfilling my desire to give and give generously.

I actually received a Hallmark Thank You card after a particularly generous occasion with my Art Chic girlfriend. Yum!


Just wanted to keep you in the loop.
BTW what do you think of the title? What would have sounded better?

Burning Man 2005

I have the strangest desire to attend Burning Man this year.

Tickets are $225 for the seven day event. I had the opportunity to go in 98 but passed for some strange reason that I still regret. Maybe this is the year.