Been a long time, since I left you, without a dope beat to step to...

Feeling heavy lately. When things get quite and calm, it's alway there waiting for me. Still and heavy depression. I try to keep moving keep things loud but when it's quite it comes back. Always.

Being bipolar I know it will pass. I know I wont feel this way in a few hours or tomorrow. But right now I want to cut my throat. Not ear to ear just tonsil to tonsil.

Please don't be alarmed, this feeling or thought isn't new, it's been with me all my life. Finally I share it with you.

Again being bi-polar I know it will pass, but finally I have chosen to share it with you.

I had a thought on tuesday...

What if I am doing exactly what I want to be doing. I have this list of interests that I want to pursue but what if this was my main hobby. This being spending huge amounts of time with my son and being a great father. What if the other items on my to-do list were in the way of spending time with my son. I had thought of those things as competing for my time and attention.

I had never realized it before typing this but spending time with my son was not at the top of my list. Maybe that is what being a good father is all about. I've read that women become mothers the day the find out they are pregnant. It takes a little longer for men to become fathers; it took longer for me to become a father.

I am a good father.

free time

Monday night I went to my mens group meeting (we meet twice a month)
I talked about my sadness of not having free time. During that I realized that also I feel shame for wanting free time. I have the cute baby that looks a lot like me, wants to play, wants to be held... and I want to spend 1 hour a day on the pc. Hell 1 hour a week would be great. The feedback I received was it's okay to want free time, it's normal to be even resentful of a baby that changes your life. The important thing it to express my emotions, not hide them. And bargain for free time so that my wife and I both get free time to spend by ourselves and together.

More later, V

My wife never seemed to want to take any time for herself. So I had difficulty trying to take any. I am at this exact moment taking an hour tonight to do anything I want. I am choosing to get started on the web work that I talked about and add alittle to this post I released half baked this morning.
ttfn, V

shadow exam part 2

Hmmm, let's take a closer look...

I am posting along for almost two months... I discover I have a few readers and... Bam I stop posting?!?

I start to get the thing I want and I turn away. Welcome Shadow. Welcome Shadow that keeps me from getting what I want. By not getting what I want I can remain disappointed and believe that there is no hope or reason to try. I can stay the same and not change.

Again, welcome shadow.

shadow exam part 1

Yes I have been busy but is there a work at work here?

I truly did not have any time for two of the past 4 weeks. But the rest of the time I honestly could have found 5-10 minutes to say "hi, I feel sad today." So what's going on?

I have definitely have some big things to do and I tend to feel overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.

Here's my todo list:

1. Write blog(s)
   
2. I have two memory cards full of photos that need to be put on the pc
3. I have 3 months worth of photos that I need to pare down and post to my son's website
4. All photos on the pc that need to be backed up
5. I committed to relocate and update a website for a non-profit group that a friend is apart of
6. I want to take and submit photos for the Photo Friday photo contest site (so far I have only submitted one)
7. I want to go to the gym more than once every two weeks
8. I want to read about J2EE brush up on Java and develop a product that the world needs and change my life
   

Number 8 is getting most of my mental free time.

I tried to avoid using the word need in the above list. I don't NEED to do anything but I WANT to do everything.

I (tongue in cheek) need a plan.

1. finish this blog
2. get a new trial version of ftp program
3. move website, make minor updates
4. copy flash cards to pc, sort photos, backup photos, upload photos
   

If I got 1, 2, and 3 done I would feel a lot of pressure off myself and I could probably make a dent in number 4.


You know what...
If I title this thing, click the spell checker and post this thing -- number 1 is done.

enslaved

Last week was the first week in a while that I worked a normal amount of hours. The three weeks prior I work just over 50 hours each week. I go to bed early and get up at 5:30 to watch my son. I have had less personal time than I spend driving to and from work each day. I haven't even been able to keep up with other blogs.


I feel enslaved.

No, I feed sad. I think/judge/believe that I am enslaved in my life.

I never realized the freedom I had; the leisure time I had. What did I do with it? How badly do I want it back? What would I do to get it back?

hmm, what have I done

I am tempted to erase the last post (listen to that I won't even own the last post.) I had not intended to start discussions of a regilious nature. And the thought of be search engined crawled on that topic makes my skin crawl.

Busy with baby, more later

easter sunday, bloody sunday

I felt shame and fear this morning as my wife took my son to her grandmother's church for Easter. I drove in the opposite direction to work and later to visit my grandparents after lunch (the only redeeming thing I may have done today.) To make matters worst my mother and Benn went with my wife and son she he was to be dedicated today. Dedicated to what? The lord or some such foolishness. How did I let things get this bad?

Being from the Bible Belt, I was raised Southern Baptist. No we don't dance with snakes but we do believe that everyone else is wrong and going to hell. After experiencing the hell of middle school I began to question or at least look for answers.

How could everyone else be wrong?
How could everyone who was born and died before or around (it must have taken time for the story to spread) 2005 years ago be in hell?
How is it that so many different religions have a similar story yet have happened so far apart? And how can modern religions have such different rules if they are all derived from the same event/persons?
Why didn't the other apostles get published?
Why do we accept King James' edit of the bible?

I decided to just stop participating in a system in which I am wrong and will be punished for it for an eternity.

But it seems that I was not outspoken enough on this subject when it came to my wife. I don't know who she thought I was or what she thought I believed but I refuse to go to church. And will not advocate such ideas to my son.

I felt sick this morning thinking ahead to the day that my son asks or gets upset at the thought of his dad "going to hell." I do not look forward to that day or the day that he might try to "save" me. Yes I am taking this thought a bit far he's only 4 months old, but it might happen.

I still remember Benn being not too in to religion and he and my mom arguing. I remember her telling him that the "man" is the spiritual head of the household. Eventually I think he became that spiritual head, but that was after I left home, good for him, whatever, how cares.

I don't want to participate. I don't want to feel bad about myself and my decisions (which honestly seems to be the point of religion.) I don't want to be judged to be a bad father.

The most frustrating thing about this is that I thought I had dealt with it and it is still here.